在大多数有多个孩子的家庭中，父母都会偏爱其中一个孩子，尽管承认这一点可能让人不大舒服。不过，研究也表明，大多数孩子都分不清父母最喜欢的孩子到底是谁。那么，真正的问题是，父母如何管理孩子可能感受到的父母偏袒感。
Is having a favourite child really a bad thing?
Although it may be uncomfortable to admit, many parents play favourites among their children. Is that 'bad' parenting?
尽管承认这一点可能让人不大舒服，但许多父母都对孩子有偏爱。这真是“糟糕”的育儿方式？
Joanna knew she had a favourite child from the moment her second son was born. The Kent, UK-based mum says she loves both of her children, but her youngest child just “gets” her in a way that her first-born doesn’t.
从第二个儿子出生那一刻起，乔安娜就知道她对其中一个有偏爱。这位生活在英国肯特郡的母亲说，两个孩子她都爱，但老二以一种老大没有的方式“懂得”她。
When Joanna’s first baby was delivered, he was rushed away from her due to a health concern, and she couldn’t see him for 24 hours. Missing this valuable bonding period was, she believes, the start of a long-lasting preference for her second son, whom she was able to spend time with immediately after he was born.
当乔安娜的第一个孩子出生时，由于健康问题，宝宝被匆匆带走，她24小时内都见不到。她觉得，错过这段宝贵的亲密期，让她对第二个孩子开始偏爱。她可以在第二个儿子出生后立即与他在一起。
“To sum our relationships up: I have to make an appointment to speak to my eldest,” says Joanna, whose full name is being withheld to protect her children. “With my youngest, I could call him at 0230 and he’d drive miles to meet me. My youngest is the nicest guy on the planet. He’s caring, generous, courteous and friendly. He’s the kind of person who would help anyone out.”
“总结一下我们的关系：要和大女儿说话，我们必须先约个时间，”乔安娜说，为了保护她的孩子，她没有透露全名。”我的小儿子呢，我可以在半夜两点半打电话给他，他会开车好几英里来接我。我的小儿子是世界上最好的男人。他关心他人，慷慨大方，彬彬有礼，待人友好。他是那种愿意帮助任何人摆脱困境的人。“
Though she battled her feelings for years, Joanna says now she’s in a place of acceptance. “I could write a book on why I love one more than the other,” she says. “It’s been hard, but I haven’t got any guilt.”
尽管与自己的感情斗争了多年，乔安娜说她现在可以接受了。她说：”我可以写一本书，关于为什么我更偏爱其中一个孩子。这很难，但我没有任何负罪感。”
Unlike Joanna, most parents’ favouritism is subtle and goes undiscussed. Having a favourite child might be the greatest taboo of parenthood, yet research shows that the majority of parents do indeed have a favourite.
与乔安娜不同的是，大多数父母的偏爱是微妙的，不会被提及。有一个自己更喜欢的孩子可能是为人父母的最大禁忌，但研究表明，大多数父母确实都有最喜欢的孩子。
With plenty of evidence to suggest that being the least-favoured child can fundamentally shape the personality and lead to intense sibling rivalries, it’s no wonder that parents might worry about letting their preferences slip. Yet research also shows that most kids can’t tell who their parents’ favourite child really is. The real issue, then, is how parents manage their children’s perception of favouritism.
大量证据表明，成为最不受欢迎的孩子会从根本上塑造性格，并导致兄弟姐妹之间的激烈竞争，难怪父母可能会担心不小心流露出自己的偏好。不过，研究也表明，大多数孩子都分不清父母最喜欢的孩子到底是谁。那么，真正的问题是，父母如何管理孩子可能感受到的父母偏袒感。
Playing favourites
偏心偏爱
“Not every parent has a favourite child, but many do,” says Jessica Griffin, an associate professor of psychiatry and paediatrics at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, US. “Data suggests that mothers, in particular, show favouritism to children who have similar values to them and that engage more with family, over qualities such as being highly ambitious or career driven.”
美国马萨诸塞大学医学院精神病学和儿科副教授杰西卡·格里芬（Jessica Griffin）说：“不是所有父母都有最喜欢的孩子，但很多人都有。”“数据显示，与雄心勃勃或事业心强等品质相比，妈妈们更偏爱和自己价值观相似、更注重家庭的孩子。”
Regardless of the reason, some research shows many parents almost certainly do have favourites – whether they admit to it or not. In one study, up to 74% of mothers and 70% of fathers in the UK have been shown to exhibit preferential treatment towards one child.
不管原因是什么，一些研究表明，许多父母都有偏爱的孩子，不管他们承认与否。一项研究显示，在英国，高达74%的母亲和70%的父亲对自一个孩子表现出偏爱。
Yet for most, the topic remains off-limits. In other research, when parents were surveyed, just 10% admitted to having a favourite child, suggesting that for most mothers and fathers, feelings of favouritism remain a tightly held family secret.
不过，对大多数人来说，这个话题仍然是禁区。在另一项调查中，只有10%的父母承认自己有最喜欢的孩子，这表明对大多数父母来说，偏爱的感觉仍然是严格保守的家庭秘密。
When parents do admit to having a preferred child, research suggests birth order plays an important part in who they favour. According to the same YouGov survey, parents who admitted having a favourite child showed an overwhelming preference towards the baby of the family, with 62% of parents who have two children opting for their youngest. Forty-three percent of parents with three or more children prefer their last-born, with a third selecting a middle child and just 19% leaning towards their eldest.
当父母承认自己偏爱哪个孩子时，研究表明，出生顺序对他们偏爱哪个孩子起着重要作用。根据YouGov的一项调查，承认有最喜欢的孩子的父母显示出对家中婴儿的压倒性偏爱，在有两个孩子的父母中，有62%选择最小的孩子。有三个或三个以上孩子的父母中，43%的人更倾向于选择最小的孩子，三分之一的人选择老二，只有19%的人倾向于选择老大。
Dr Vijayeti Sinh is a clinical psychologist at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City. She says that a favouritism towards a youngest child is often to do with the social and emotional skills associated with birth order – as parents gain more practice in child-rearing, they have a better idea of how they want to shape their offspring’s childhood, and what attributes are most important to pass on.
维杰蒂·辛赫（Vijayeti Sinh）博士是纽约市西奈山医院的临床心理学家。她说，对最小孩子的偏爱往往与社会和情感技能有关，而这又与出生顺序相关——随着父母在养育孩子方面获得更多实践，他们对如何塑造后代的童年有更好的想法，以及什么属性是最重要的传承。
“Parents tend to favour a child that is most like them, reminds them of themselves, or represents what they view as a success of parenting,” she says. “Younger children are most likely to have been raised by a parent who, over time and experience, is more confident and skilled in their child-raising.”
她说：“父母倾向于偏爱最像自己的孩子，让他们想起自己，或者代表他们眼中成功的育儿方式。随着时间的推移和经验的积累，有年幼孩子的父母更有可能在育儿方面更加自信和熟练。”
‘Bad’ parenting?
“坏”父母？
Though parents do often have a favourite, many are racked with guilt, knowing that showing a preference will have a long-lasting impact on their child’s sense of self-worth. The concern is not entirely unfounded.
尽管父母们通常都有最喜欢的孩子，但许多人都会感到内疚，因为他们知道，表现出这种偏爱会对孩子的自我价值感产生持久影响。这种担忧并非完全没有根据。
“Children who grow up in families where they feel that they are treated unfairly may experience a deep sense of unworthiness,” says Sinh. “They might feel that they are unlovable in some way, or do not possess the special traits and characteristics needed to be loved by others. Feeling like the black sheep of the family can lead to fears and insecurities – children might become self-protective and try to be overly nice and agreeable around others.”
辛赫说：“在感到受不公平对待的家庭中长大的孩子，可能会产生深深的自卑感。他们可能觉得自己在某些方面不可爱，或者缺乏被人爱所需要的特质。感觉自己是家里的害群之马会导致恐惧和不安全感——孩子可能会自我防护，和他人相处时可能过分友好、随和。”
But for most parents, their worries are misplaced. Evidence suggests that unless preferential treatment is very extreme, most children are not impacted by being the least favourite child.
但对大多数父母来说，他们的担心是不必要的。有证据表明，除非待遇非常极端，否则大多数孩子不会因为自己是“最不受欢迎”的孩子而受到影响。
“Sometimes parents are blatantly obvious in their demonstration of love and affection,” says Sinh. “But when parents are mindful and thoughtful and do their best to ensure that any feelings of closeness or likeability factor aren’t plain and clear, then children don’t feel unworthy of their parents’ love and support.”
“有时父母在爱和感情的表现上是很明显的，” 辛赫说。“但如果父母细心体贴，尽最大努力让孩子们感受到亲密或可爱，不那么明显的呈现偏心，那么他们就不会觉得自己不值得爱和支持。”
In fact, in most cases children might not even know that their parents prefer their sibling in the first place. In one study, when people who stated that their parents had a favourite child were probed, a staggering four out of five claimed that their sibling was favoured over them – a seemingly improbable statistic. Other studies have shown that children incorrectly identify who the favourite child is more than 60% of the time.
事实上，大多数情况下，孩子们可能根本不知道父母更喜欢自己的兄弟姐妹。在一项研究中，那些声称父母有最喜欢孩子的人接受调查，惊人的是，五分之四的人声称他们的兄弟姐妹比他们自己更受青睐——这似乎是一个不太可能的统计数据。其他研究表明，孩子们在超过60%的情况下错误地判断谁是最受喜欢的孩子。
Of course, it’s possible that parents are doing a much better job of disguising their preferences than you would expect. Or – as Griffin suggests – we’re simply very bad at guessing who the favourite child really is.
当然，父母在掩饰喜好方面可能比你想象的要高明许多。或者，正如格里芬所说，我们只是不擅长猜测谁才是真正的宠儿。
“Although you might think that children instinctively know whether their parent has a favourite child and who that child is, the data is surprising,” she says. “Children might assume that the first-born or the ‘baby’ of the family is the favourite, or the child who is an overachiever in the family and causes less parenting stress. Whereas in actuality, the parent might have different and varied reasons for the favouritism – such as favouring the child who struggles the most, or the child that is most similar to them.”
她说：“尽管你可能认为，孩子们本能地知道父母是否有最喜欢的孩子，以及这个孩子是谁，但数据令人惊讶。孩子们可能会认为家里的老大或‘宝宝’最受欢迎，或者认为家里的老大或‘宝宝’成绩优异，给父母带来的压力较小。然而实际上，父母可能有不同的原因导致这种偏爱——比如偏爱那些最吃力的孩子，或者和他们最相似的孩子。”
Griffin argues that it’s perfectly OK – and even expected – for parents to have favourites, and that parents shouldn’t feel guilty if they find themselves feeling closer to one child over another. She says that although children who believe they are the least-favoured child tend to have lower self-esteem and higher rates of depression, in the majority of cases, children have no idea which sibling their parent or parents prefer.
格里芬认为，父母有偏爱是完全可以接受的，甚至是意料之中的，如果父母发现自己和一个孩子更亲近，也不应该感到内疚。她说，尽管那些认为自己是最不受欢迎的孩子往往自尊心较低，患抑郁症的几率较高，但在大多数情况下，孩子不知道父母更喜欢哪一个兄弟姐妹。
Perhaps who the favourite child really is isn’t so important after all.
也许到底谁是最受欢迎的孩子并不那么重要。
No less love
爱不会少”
Griffin has found that the favourite-child conundrum has shown up in both her professional and personal lives: her three children constantly joke about who the ‘favourite’ child must be.
格里芬发现，最受偏爱的孩子这个难题在她的职业和个人生活中都出现过：她的三个孩子经常开玩笑说谁是“最受欢迎的”孩子。
Although she recommends parents or children who find that favouritism is affecting their relationships or mental health should speak to a paediatrician or mental health provider, she believes most imbalances can be addressed with simple tactics that demonstrate care and attention.
她建议父母或孩子如果发现偏爱影响了家人关系或心理健康，应该向儿科医生或心理健康提供者咨询，但她认为，大多数不平衡可以通过简单的策略来解决，以显示关心和关注。
Griffin says that although parents might not readily admit to favouritism, they certainly won’t be alone if they find themselves feeling closer to one child over another. Most mothers and fathers have favourites – and that’s OK.
格里芬说，虽然父母们可能不会轻易承认自己偏心，但如果发现对一个孩子更亲近，他们也肯定不会是独一无二的，“大多数父母都有自己的最爱，这真的没什么。”
“There are going to be days when we prefer to be around one child over another, for a number of different reasons,” she says. “The important thing to remember is that having a favourite child does not mean that you love your other children less.”
她说：“由于各种不同的原因，我们总有某一天会更喜欢和某一个孩子在一起。重要的是要记住，有一个自己最喜欢的孩子并不意味着你对其他孩子的爱会减少。”
